The Gift of Conversation: Are We Rejecting the Gift?

So many conversations today end in conflict; causing division and preventing us from having deeper relationships. This conflict can even lead to broken relationships. We can see this playing out in politics, friendships, marriages and families. We remain polarized and stuck in our own beliefs, preventing both us and our relationships from growing. Not only are we failing to grow, in some instances we are regressing. How do we stop this from happening? We need to stop, take ourselves off autopilot, be mindful, and pull out the magnifying glass. We need to ask ourselves what is missing in our conversations and the best place to start is at the beginning: What is a conversation?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines “conversation,” in part, as the “exchange of ideas.” That sounds right, you may think, but let’s examine this further. What does it mean to “exchange”? Exchange means to mutually give to one another something of similar value. In the context of conversation, we give idea for idea. Again, that sounds right and that is what we do, so what is missing? When someone gives us a gift, what follows? We take it, we receive it. Do we do that in our conversations? We are great at giving our ideas, but are we good at receiving what we have been given? Yes, when the other idea is like ours; that is easy. We think to ourselves, “Wow, this person gets it,” “They are so enlightened,” “They are so smart, so educated.” (cue, my chuckles). We all do this.

What if the idea being given to us is different than our idea? Do we receive it? In the case of conflicting ideas, we rarely receive an idea another has “given” to us. We do not want it: Send that gift back! We all want to think our ideas are correct because for us they have become a “truth”, so when someone tries to give us something that threatens our truth, what do we do? What is our gut reaction? We immediately reject their idea and counter it with our own. We may “hear” what they say but we are not truly receiving or taking in what it is they are saying. This failure to receive a different perspective prevents us from having meaningful conversations and, essentially, deeper relationships.

So, what do we do? We must first understand that for any relationship to grow (romantic or otherwise), we must first accept that what we think is true, that thing we are so certain about, still has subjectivity. Our “truth” is not infallible. We never have the full picture. We have each arrived at our truths through our own perceptions (what our senses have perceived), our past experiences, and what we have learned. Note the subjectivity in all those things.

With this perspective, we need to ask ourselves what our objective is in entering into a conversation. It is a tough question if we dig deep and get honest knowing that it is hard to confront ourselves. We need to question our motivations as we enter a conversation. Do we already know an answer and want the other person to adopt the same belief? Are we trying to change their mind? Are we challenging someone to outsmart them? Are we really seeking to understand and listen to what the other is saying? We must have good intentions.

We must next decide if we are willing to grow. If we are willing to grow, we will be open and our conversation will be fruitful. If we are not willing to grow, why enter the conversation? It will inevitably lead to conflict. If you are not willing to grow, that is okay. It is your prerogative, but you need to be honest with yourself and others. If you are willing to grow, then you must enter the conversation without assumptions. You cannot assume their intent.

If we desire to truly listen to the other person’s truth, we must do so by actively listening to them. This is where we receive. “Active Listening” requires us to quiet our own projections and thoughts and give our full attention to the other person. Our own minds are quiet: we are not judging, we are not thinking about how it applies to us, we are not thinking about what we will say next, or how the information we are receiving already fits into what we know. We are purely listening by taking in the information as the other person perceives it. In order to do that, we must see them independently of us. We need to listen to the emotion in their voice, observe their facial expressions and think about how they are showing up when they are talking to us. What are they telling us? We should ask questions to understand their context and check in with them to see if we are understanding what they are saying.

After we have received and understood their point of view as they see it, we must then consider their point of view. What does it mean to consider? First, notice that consider is a verb; it requires us to do something. It means we take in what the other person has said and challenge our “truth”. Can we learn something from what they are saying? Does our truth still hold true? This is scary for a lot of people because they are so certain their truth is the truth. Here is a little secret: If your truth is “the truth” it is incorruptible; meaning it will stand up to any challenge. Typically, however, we arrive at a higher truth together. That is how we grow. What else happens when we receive and consider another’s opinion? That person will feel that you received their view and considered it, they will feel heard. When we feel heard we feel like we matter. We feel valued and respected. This holds true even if we still hold different opinions or truths at the end of the conversation. You can have a different opinion without conflict. This is where conversations change. This is where relationships change.

Loari EdisonJanuary 24, 2020