Authenticity: What it really is and what it looks like in practice

Authenticity is the most important part in building a solid dating foundation.  Of course, most of us think we are authentic.  I mean we are not fake, right?  What exactly does it mean to be authentic?  The obvious answer is to be yourself. The not so obvious answer is this:  telling people what you like and don’t like in an unemotional and unapologetic way, not staying in a situation you do not like or with somebody you know isn’t right for you, being who you are without the aid of sarcasm or self-deprecating humor (those are just shields for when you are not comfortable just being you).  In order for you to act authentically and more importantly, actually be authentic, you have to know who you are.  Please note I wrote “you have to know who you are” and not “you have to know what you do.”  In today’s society, we often confuse “being” with “doing.” A lawyer, doctor, graphic designer, coder, executive is something you do, but it is not who you are.  What you “do” can highlight who you are, but it is not your identity. Being authentic is being brave and showing the world YOU.

So, who are you?  Don’t be alarmed if this question is unsettling or if you do not have a ready answer.  That is not uncommon.  As we get older, it becomes convoluted and even lost.  That’s okay. Let us go find you.  It may sound silly, but I think most of us were the most authentic when we were little kids.  For the most part, we didn’t have society telling us what we should like, who we should look for in a partner, how we should or should not feel about certain things.  I wonder . . . what would your younger self say if you asked her what type of person she wanted to marry?  Kids are pretty simple, but also very profound.  They usually have no issue telling you how they feel or what they think about something.  They tell the unabashed truth.  That is . . . until they are told it is inappropriate to say things like that or that they shouldn’t tell people what they think.  We learn to suppress who we are.  I want you to unlearn this and unleash yourself.  

What are your values?  What guides your decisions?  Your values are who you are.  When you were little (before you were edited), what was important to you?  How was your confidence?  Did you have a strong sense of right and wrong?  Fast forward to the future, who are you today?  If you understood that your “one” was only attracted to who you are and would love everything about you, what would you show that person?  What would you want him to know about you that makes you uniquely you?  How are you a standout?  Being your unique self is being authentic. 

Let’s imagine you are dating a person and they did something you did not like, what would you say to them?  Would you say anything at all?  Would it depend upon what that something was?  Would you be direct in a nice way? No matter how big or small this thing is, you need to say something.  That is your only option if you are going to date authentically.  Things that are NOT options are:  Ignoring what was done; ignoring the person, or; not saying something directly but being snippy or rude or making indirect comments thinking they will “get the hint”.  Being “politely direct” about what bothered you is essential, especially in the beginning.   If something bothers you, you need to politely tell the other person.   Don’t talk yourself into thinking that something is “too small” to bring up. If that is how you feel, then you are not confident enough to date authentically and you need to take a step back from dating.  If you won’t politely tell the person because you think they won’t listen or they won’t change their behavior, you need to step away from the relationship.  If you cannot be your authentic self in a relationship, it is not the right relationship.  That is not fair to you or the other person.

You have a “say” in dating and you need to exercise your option.  Stop dating PASSIVELY.  Don’t you want to be in a relationship where you can be authentic?  Doesn’t the other person deserve to be in a relationship with somebody who is being authentic?  Of Course!!  So . . . let’s help you uncover your authentic self!

©2019, Loari Edison, Break the Dating Code